Winter has arrived

December 22nd, 2017 you amaze me. 

I'm sitting here in my fuzzy robe singing Feeling Groovy in my head.

...no deeds to do, no promises to keep...

I took most of yesterday off from school for a: Me day. After getting the children safely across to the school as crossing guard: I went to a two hour counseling appointment, got a chair massage in the mall, bought Chinese takeout and took an hour nap

The two hour counseling appointment helped me settle a traumatic situation that has been haunting my dreams for 6 years. "About time," you say. Well, it was the perfect time. It took until now to understand that this was a Ghost of Christmas past and needed to be exercised out of my life. I still cant begin to understand the working of my brain that makes Brain Spotting and EMDR work. However, I know that in the last year I have been able to neutralize the emotionally, crippling events that have made up my past. I have enjoyed happy emotions without guilt.

So many years of my life were ,"One foot in front of the other", "One day at a time". A series of events that happened in December six years ago have given me haunting dreams. Dreams that my head could not get my heart to accept no longer existed. Situations that had no more control on my life. Yesterday, with the help of a Christian Counselor, I was able to laugh at that dream and tell it that it has no control on me. I am free to be loved, trusted, and respected. My experience is that I am loved, trusted and respected, however, my heart is still working on wrapping around what I am experiencing.

No more looking back

I feel I should have turned into a pillar of salt a number of time by now for looking back. I heard somewhere this week that we should look forward and not just stop dwelling on the past problems, but not live in the past glory either. As I complete this last week of 2017, I will be ruminating on that thought. 

It is a Philippians 3:13 thing. I need to press in the present for the future. I could have another 15 to 25 years of quality living left, maybe more, maybe less. I have seen all my children through school, college, university and beginning marriage and parenthood. I am the proudest mother on the planet. I have the most gifted grandchildren. My jobs are fulfilling, I have friends and a nice place to live.

So, as I begin 2018 I will concentrate on the future and what I can leave behind for a better world. A lofty goal perhaps, but an achievable goal as I take it "Step by Step" and "One day at a time."

Friendship

With this adjusted perspective of myself, I need to say something about friendships in my life. In recent years there has been a lot said about expressing: self-respect, self-love, self-care. With my trust issues, I didn't want to buy into that, "Worthiness" message. It took me six years just to sit down and think about the demon of Christmas 2011, goodness sake, I had another 50 Christmases*** before that one that were not too great either. All I wanted for Christmas was: tights that fit, a cuddle or hug and the words,"You are worthy of love."

This last year I have had a friend who has gone to coffee or to get a beer about 8 times with me. That friend didn't ask anything in return. I have never had a friendship like this, one who respects me, doesn't put me down, and listens when I talk. No agenda. I have learned to trust this friend's point of view and shared my experience in this crazy changing world. No relational debris. Talk about a breath if fresh air.

It is three days before Christmas. I have tights that fit! Yesterday I got lots of hugs from friends, co-workers and parents who have told me in gifts and words that I am loved and worthy. I am blessed.

***History note: The Ancients took the pagan Winter solstice celebration and put a Christian twist on it so that my parent's generation could put a materialistic twist on it all. Outcome: Entitled kids, dressed up, pushed, pulled and told don't expect everything you want, but here is a paper to write down everything you want.

 It's the most wonderful time of the year

I don't want anyone to get me wrong. I love the music, the smells, the food and the lights of the Season. I think it was great of the Ancients to say, "Let's get out of our gloomy huts and enjoying a beer and a fire with the neighbors." I grew up in the 1960's when all the neighbors came by to share snacks. My mom wore a Christmas Apron that defied spills. My dad huffed and puffed about the tree standing upright and my sisters and I shook ever package under the tree. We had snow for Christmas and I love that I live in a place where there is no snow at Christmas to shovel. (It is great to visit, but I walked to school in snow.)

I get to work at Pier 1 on Dec. 23 and 24. I'm excited to see the last minute shoppers run home with their packages.  It is in walking distance and considering the unfortunate fatality last night between home and work, I may walk. (Please pray with me for the families that were touched by that tragedy so close to home. ) 

I have been singing Christmas songs to the crossing children all month at the school crosswalk. This last week I added Reindeer ears/antlers and flashing Lights. My heart is happy with the songs of my youth as I wish you all a Merry Christmas.